Tuesday Titter

TUESDAY TITTER

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar.
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“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth.
“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
“Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.
“No not me self, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman,
“but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Schoolteachers’ bloomers
(oops! I mean blunders)

(1) Sunday is Easter Day. To celebrate Henlena Farmer from P7 will come in and lay an egg on the table
2 Don’t let worry kill you. Let the school help
(3) After assembly there will be an ice-cream party. Would Miss Coward and Miss Goat-just back from maternity leave – who are supplying the milk, come to the canteen immediately.
(4) I have been trying to get uniforms done away with. Soon we’ll be down to the boys just wearing a tie and the girls wearing a grey shirt.

Family Relations
My father had a profound influence on me – he was a lunatic. (Spike Milligan)

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick (George Burns)

My wife started walking five miles a day – now I don’t care where she is

If a man smiles in his own house the wife is sure to ask him for money.