When Are You Old?

When are you old?

Stephen Nolan, radio presenter egged the two phone-in callers on “You are! You’re old when you’re fifty!” a woman argued. “It’s a biological fact.”

There was a strangled sound that fell somewhere between a splutter and a snort. I laughed out loud. Stephen was at it again. I stuck my cooling coffee into the microwave and sat down to listen.

“What age are you,” a man’s voice demanded.

. Would she be brave enough to give away her age on the ‘Biggest show in the country’s BBC ’Radio Ulster morning Chat Show?

“Never mind, don’t tell me. Let me guess, you’re in your 20s or 30s. Right?”

“”I’m not forty yet,” Miss 30- something concealed.

“You are old after forty. If you were a car…”

“Look love, people live until they’re in their 90s now. I’m just about middle-aged now.”

Like a Jack Russell with a cat in its sights she came back at him. “You are in denial. And women are old when they can no longer have children. Accept it. You are old!”

Small beats of silence sizzled like heat across the airways. I could just picture Stephen Nolan, headphones clamped to his ears rubbing his hand in glee as he added the odd word here and there to inflame the debate and keep it jumping.

“If you think your life is over just because you can no longer have kids, love, you have a lot to learn. I’m telling you here and now, I’m 63 and I’m fitter than when…”

Shit! My mobile phone was ringing. I let it ring  I didn’t have time to rummage in the bottom of my handbag! I wanted to hear what she was going to hit him with next.

This was better craic than day time telly or Graham Norton 101 tales from the chair before he pulled the lever.

At this point the Nolan introduced a new male caller into the mêlée

Coffee drunk I was now dying to go to the loo.

The new caller confirmed that he was coming up on fifty and he didn’t feel old. A nice softly, softly starting approach I thought.  But I knew just knew he was itching to enquire if she was worried about not having children and her hitting 40 soon and heading into old age – according to her!

She conceded the point and then bang, she hit him with it!”OK! If you’re not old now when will you be old?”

The gloves were off.

I could hear the initial caller trying to get in to challenge her. But the second caller beat him to it.

“When will I be old?”

“Yeah,” If not now, when!”

He laughed. A low no hurry chuckle. “When I have more symptoms that urges,” he chortled. “Or, do you think that’s something we lose in old age as well?”

The ball was firmly back in Miss 30- Something court. It was a Georgie Best own goal moment on home turf. Would she aim straight for the net and mention ED Erectile dysfunction and Viagra? Or would she draw back from the edge? Were the listening Northern Ireland radio listeners ready for it?

She marshalled her defences and drew in a deep breath

I had no nails left to chew as I waited to hear what words would come out of her mouth.

Ever the pro, with precision timing, Stephen sidetracked her.

“I’m 41 and I feel old,” he offered up, “and what about grey hair? I don’t like it. When I catch an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror…”

Miss 30-Something back- pedalled like an Olympic medalist. “Yes, Stephen, but it looks good on you; silver fox hair looks good on men, kinda distinguished.”

I’m sitting legs crossed – dying for the loo. but I don’t want to miss the punchline!

An exaggerated sight seeps out. “So, Stephen’s a silver fox because he’s a man? Only women get old because they can’t have children as they get older. Is that it – that what you’re saying?” Like Shylock from Shakespeare’s Macbeth, caller number one rammed his point home.

“Men can still father children into old age,” 30 -Something counters staunchly.

“Time for an ad break,” Stephen announces smoothly.

I made a run for the loo switching on the kettle as I went.

I did a quick hand wash wondering who would be the victor.

Nolan was just posing the question again when I arrived back in the kitchen. “Yes, go ahead caller, what age are you old at?”

I crossed my fingers and hoped it would be a women caller. Would she even up the score by mentioning that women could freeze their eggs and use them later. That some global companies were even paying for their female employees to have their eggs frozen!

“When do you consider you’ll be old,” the caller asked the 30- something woman.

“Probably, when I am 40?”

The caller’s tone went up a few octaves. “Listen, wise up, you’re life is not over just because you’re 40 and don’t have kids!”

“Time for the News Headlines,” Nolan said hurriedly. “Me? I want to be 25 again.” He proffered in a vain attempt to sooth 30-something ruffled feathers.

Gemma Hill