Precious moments in time

I know that you are hurting but my inability to be sensitive to your feelings comes across as detachment, uncaring even cruel

I can’t tell you these things. I want to but something in me expects you to know.

I spoil our precious moments together by my directness; cause you embarrassment in front of your friends by not understanding the irony in the conversation and missing the point of the jokes.  I know I cause confusion and misunderstanding by taking literally what you say; making me appearing out of step to those who cannot see the mind set inside of me.

Our precious moments endangered by my missing the social sign. Blindly plunging  in, apparently unfeelingly, while others wait for social cue that temper their responses.

Our precious moment’s obliatered by my lack of mind map because to me, your thinking doesn’t exist. I literally can’t grasp that you may see things from a different point of view. This is not selfishness on my part. It’s the way my mind is made.

Fear dogs my every day. Will there be unexpected changes in my routine? Difference is life threatening to me. Not because I am set in my way. No. It is because I need every little detail of my life and yours mapped out by sameness so that I feel secure, can exist in a world that is alien to me.

Our precious moments scarred by what appears as cold detached indifference on my part to your love for me.

No so.

I cherish our precious times together. And yet I crave aloneness.

Away from the constant noise and an ever changing world I can keep order in my life, in my mind.

It is often a world where I do not allow you to enter

At times our togetherness is monopolized by my long winded obsessive fascination for details on a topic that only I am interested in.

Your body’s unspoken message of boredom on display for all to see.

Except me.

I yearn for your loving. The curve of your body spooned in mine. The things that make our time precious: a touch, a smile. Yet outwardly I appear to be indifferent to your love. I appear unresponsive, lacking in desire.

Not so

Spontaneity of feelings is not something that comes naturally to me. It is something I must learn.

I will learn because these are our precious moments in time and despite outwardly appearance I love you with all my heart.